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It’s very likely she has no idea she’s oversharing she thinks she is confiding in a friend. When she approaches you with her problems, you listen, even when you try to redirect her to more appropriate resources. But, to be fair, I don’t think you have set a clear boundary around what you will and won’t discuss with her. Your colleague sees you as a friend while you see her as a colleague with whom you are friendly. How do I deal with setting this boundary in an empathetic but appropriate way?
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I care about her deeply, but don’t have the emotional or professional bandwidth to take this on.
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It feels quite inappropriate for me to know so much about her medical condition, and I want to set a boundary, but I don’t know how to do this without really upsetting her. I’ve had to escalate some serious concerns about her mental health to HR, so I feel I’ve done my part professionally. She came to me first because she needed help navigating the situation, which is fine, but now I know quite a lot about her medical history and mental state and she continues to come to me with regular updates, even when I encourage her to seek out additional help. Recently, she’s had such a difficult time that she took a short sabbatical.
While I prefer to handle issues like these outside of work, I was happy to act as a sounding board, as it felt like I was one of her only sources of support. We’ve shared somewhat personal details about our lives. For a year, I was her direct manager, though she has since transitioned to another department. I have a co-worker I have gotten relatively close with over the past two years. Let their silly disappointment fuel your ambition. You got the job because you are excellent at what you do.
The silver lining is that your work fulfills you. That person was probably trying to overcompensate for the attitudes you saw in the missent email and to make you feel welcome. There isn’t much you can do about the colleague who lied about your being the first choice. What they did is tacky and deeply inconsiderate. Your new colleagues are entitled to their disappointment, I suppose, but they should learn basic email functions and stop being so careless. Then organizations move on to the next equally qualified candidate. That is little consolation, I know, but candidates turn down jobs all the time. And I imagine they are more dismayed about not working with their first choice than about having to work with you. But their disappointment is not your problem to manage. It makes you doubt yourself and distrust your colleagues, and it sours the entire experience. This has happened to me a couple of times and it hurts. What an awkward and unfortunate way to start a work relationship! How should I proceed in the face of their disappointment? And what to do regarding the colleague who blatantly lied to me about being chosen first? I am trying to hold my head up high but, admittedly, it is quite difficult. All of these individuals were on the hiring committee, and I will be working directly with or under them. Obviously, I was not meant to see this email. I was announced as the hire, to which the responses “unfortunate,” “too bad” and “onwards and upwards” followed. The initially selected candidate rejected their offer because they could not reach her price point. Not even halfway through my second day, however, I was added to an email chain that indicated I was not the first choice. The person who I work directly under even went on a long speech about how there were a number of very qualified candidates but I was chosen because I clearly showed passion and a strong background in the field. It’s within my field of study and I genuinely love what I do. The Sting of Second PlaceĪfter 18 months of being unemployed, I finally landed a job. Include your name and location, or a request to remain anonymous. Send questions about the office, money, careers and work-life balance to.